Friday, November 30, 2018

I Need Advice on A Very Difficult Daughter-in-Law

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Once again, my friends, I'm nearly in tears.  
Not quite in tears as I've learned over the past 11 years
that tears don't help.

She has always been a strong-willed woman.  She's a scientist.
She's 49 years old.  She and my son married at a late age, and they now have
4 beautiful children, ages 3 - 10.

I hardly see my son or the grandchildren, they live 6.5 miles away.

I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years, she travels a lot they say.

The latest episode:

as most of you know I have a newly launched children's clothing line called
LaLaLand for Kids

now selling to 4 shops in Houston, and many many of my blog readers.

the pieces are lovely.

so.

I texted her to ask if the  2 girls are still Size 3 & Size 7.
below, her text back to me:

No. However, they really do not need any clothing please.

her coldness remains consistent.
she simply does not like me.

but, I've never known a little girl WHO DIDN'T LOVE GETTING SOMETHING NEW & WONDERFUL, have you?

& from their grandmother, MiMi.

my son has no interest in getting involved, he has allowed this to go on for all these years.
but, otherwise, he is the BEST person alive.

what would you do?

WHAT ?????







I



35 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. I am so happy to read your most forthcoming comment. And, welcome to my blog !! I hope you will follow along. I've tried everything, sitting it out entirely seems to be welcomed by them. It has made me so sad as, initially, I did quite like her. Your thoughts about my son are well-taken also. I agree, but reluctant to admit this. Thank you so very much. xx's

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    2. I am glad you saw my comment, but I feel I needed to delete it, once you read it. Just too painful and private to feel comfortable. You will be in my thoughts about this topic. Please reach out for outside perspective. It is so helpful.

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    3. In this connected world we live in, I see nothing wrong in you posing this question, after all I would think those of us reading your blog, feel like friends. I digress...sadness that your daughter in law acts in such a manner, as time marches on, I certainly pray she experiences a softer heart!

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    4. Exactly the same way I think. My virtual friends are very REAL to me and the rest of our blogging community. Thank you SO much !! xx's

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  2. This is only about the 3rd time I've posted about this issue in the almost 10 years I've been blogging. My linen isn't dirty. I have serious issues with my difficult daughter-in-law, making me so unhappy. I've tried everything, but nothing works with her as she is unwilling to even consider she is wrong. About friends, I have some of the same friends I've had since the 1st grade. I have many many many good & close friends. Most of them tell me to give up. My personality is such that I'm normally able to obtain a good outcome. So, I've tended to continue to try. Asking what sizes my little darling grand=daughters wear seems a normal question to their mother. You didn't address her text message to me, only the "airing" of family issues, so this must have pushed a panic button with you, GINNY.

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  3. I’d like to suggest that you communicate with your son. Maybe ask him to lunch and see what he recommends, how you can build a better relationship with her, how you can take your grandchildren out for occasional outings, etc... He is the key here. She can’t blow him off. Think about what he responds to and stick to that kind of tone/Message.

    Shari

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    1. This is excellent advice...no reason why a relationship cannot be shared with just your son and his children. Afetr all "the scientist" is away alot!

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  4. No panic here. You don't air personal things about your family on the internet... particularly if you want to get along. If I read your complaints and I was your daughter in law, I'd never speak to you again and there would be no hope of a relationship. So, either way you lose. Get a grip and pull it together.

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  5. Marsha
    An offer of a gift, whether needed or not, should be accepted with grace. Your daughter-in-law lacks manners, I assume a reflection on a very poor upbringing indeed! I feel very sorry for you, trying to be kind and taking the trouble to ensure the sizing is correct. You should address the gifts to te girls care of their father, whom ai am sure will pass them on. Pity he does not point out to his wife that he expects the same courtesy shown to you, that I am sure he displays to her family. Do not expect a thankyou note from the girls as their mother would not have taught them to do so. The clothing range is devine and there us not a little girl ai know who would not be thrilled to receive them.
    Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!
    Donna (Australia)

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    1. At this point, my son says what the wife tells him to say.
      Sad sad sad.
      Thank you for talking to me about this. Sending love, Donna dear...

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  6. I’m so sorry you’re having these issues. Have you invited her to go to lunch with you to have a heart-to-heart? Can you recall anything that happened around the time that it seems her feelings toward you changed? Can your son not offer any insight whatsoever? I hope you can ultimately work this out.

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    1. Karen, she refuses, and always has, to sit down and talk it out. Nothing has changed in the 12 years I've known her. She wants to be the ONE & ONLY in my son's life. A very haughty, judgmental, always gotta be right, woman. Sad, because she is very pretty and could have EVERYTHING the world has to offer if her personality was so knife-edged. I don't cry over it anymore, but I'll never get over it because it hurts me so very much.

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  7. Wow...that response is a little uncalled for! ... after all, it is her own blog, It is your choice if you wish to follow it or not!

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  8. Ginny,

    Really?! That's the best you do?

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  9. Marsha,

    I think this is more complicated and charged than you think. My suggestion is to get some help from a professional counselor. Something is definitely going on, but it will take some exploring to figure out what the right approach might be.

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    Replies
    1. I've been. 2X a week for a year or so. It helped but it didn't change anything about her behavior. If I send her a beautiful gift, she'll say I'm extravagant & should have put the money in the children's college fund.

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  10. so sad to read this Marsha, no you are not airing "dirty linen!" you are asking for unbiased advice since you have tried all options to no avail! Your grandchildren are missing out on wonderful times but are the children ever asked if they would like to meet you on neutral ground? Surely a 10 year old should be able to be given this choice? Hope the DIL has a change of heart! Blessings from a new gran!

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    1. Yes, my eldest grand-daughter spent an entire day together last Spring, we both had a ball. The family leaves for the beach in Mexico for the entire summer, and the mother makes certain they always have PLANS for any holiday that comes around. Thank you, Noreen

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  11. Dear Marsha

    The last time you mentioned your daughter in law I also told you about mine who is a clone of yours, one thing my counselor said to me, where is your son in all of this. It took me a while to digest this, he is also at fault, I have also thought that he might enjoy this rift between the 2 of us, or he is not able to take the risk of telling his wife to be at least civil, which mine is totally devoid of, for that I blame her mother who was just like her, the first time she took a look at me I could see total hatred in her eyes and it continued till her death she kept our grandchildren away as much as she could saying we already had enough of them (we have 15 ,with 6 children!!!)and these are the only ones close to us the rest is scattered throughout the world( I am french and my husband is dutch, hence the distances) some women are what my counselor calls queen bees they have this killer instinct towards other women, there is really nothing you can do. You are successful, you are beautiful and you are your son's mother a competition they will try everything to destroy....I am at the point of telling mine "you love my son how do you think he became this wonderful man?" but I learnt a long time ago that it would get me nowhere. Can I also say that I am starting to resent my son for not standing up to what I see as a total disregard toward the situation... One of the best thing I found out is that when on the rare occasions I see the grandchildren they always ask why we dont see them more often and I alway answer ask your parents....With all the in laws we have in our family she is the only fly in the ointment, thank God even with the exs (oh yes it has happened)I still keep in touch.... Dear Marsha know that you are not alone in this situation I am a great believer that Karma will catch up with people who cause such traumas. Now for you Ginny get a life, you showed your true colours and they are not pretty.

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    1. I have a nice life and it's not spent whining and crying and being a drama queen. I originally read this blog for the beautiful photos and ideas. Now it's become "Dear Abby" and True Confessions by weak, snivelly people who need lives.

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  12. While my situation was different, the players are much the same. I loved my DIL as my own child. In spite of all the issues we addressed the outcome was devastating to me. It was more than I can state here. I continue to mourn her loss. After 19 years of marriage she ran away, thankfully no children were involved, she has issues I understand. That said, in an unstable situation, when your own life has become stressed, you need "to put up your shields" so to speak. At this time of year all sorts of emotions surface. How to proceed? Only you know how to do that. It is heartbreaking. Compromise is probably your only solution, sad to say. In my situation I have learned to live around the situation, I have no other choice and accepting that reality has brought me some peace. Bless you, stay strong and know that many of us deal with difficult situations and somehow, in that knowledge, Mothers have a special bond.

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    1. Goodness, what a tragedy for all of you !!!
      You see, there are many people we will never REALLY know.
      I'm strong, but it doesn't help when you know your son is complicit in all of it.
      Thank you, thank you, thank you !!!

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  13. sharon

    Hi Marsha,

    I was so touched by your plea regarding your daughter in law and her apparent disregard for you as her husband’s mother and her children’s grandmother. I’m not sure how old she is or what your relationship is with your son…..clearly, your son is practicing a “I’m hands off” stance which is not helpful to either you, your daughter in law or your grandchildren. He will have to man up and decide if he is going to have a relationship with you separate from this wife (sounds like the best plan as his wife is a no show) that includes his children. It is the children that should come first in all of this. You will have to be the one to confront him for the benefit of his children if not you, his mother (frankly, that would piss me off as his Mom who gave her life for him in so many ways).

    Not sure if there is a husband in your life as in your son’s father….if there is then it is time to bring him into the situation even if you are divorced. He should have a very direct conversation with the son as to what family is all about and how long term it is not a good plan to exclude grandparents from children’s lives.
    What in the world are men thinking when they allow a wife to exclude their mother? It is such a tragedy and your son really has to decide that you are to be respected as a vital member of the family regardless of what his wife is thinking (I don’t see a long marriage here if she is this heartless….today you, tomorrow him).

    I am hoping for the best for you and stay strong and….hold that son of yours accountable. You and he can negotiate for the sake of the children and frankly, the less the wife is involved, the better!

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    1. My son's father is near death in Memphis, sadly. But over the years he has been estranged from them as well. My DIL just shuts everyone out.

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  14. If your many, many, many good friends over the last ten years have told you to give up, then possibly they are right. I'm wondering if talking about this on the internet is just a way to assuage your helpless feelings over the situation and, unconsciously, get revenge. See a therapist. They are more aware and savvy about these things than anonymous people on the internet. Just sayin'.

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  15. Bonsoir chère Marsha,

    Comme je me sens proche de vous ! J'ai 4 enfants, 2 garçons et 2 filles et 6 petits-enfants dont le dernier est né très prématurément ce 18 octobre dernier.
    La compagne de mon fils aîné est la réplique parfaite de votre belle-fille.
    Il m'est très difficile de vous raconter ma souffrance...
    Ma petite-fille va avoir bientôt 6 ans et je n'ai pu la voir que deux fois depuis sa naissance.
    Je lui envoie régulièrement des petits présents... Je ne reçois jamais de remerciement. J'en suis arrivée à photographier chaque cadeau, chaque petite carte avant de lui envoyer. Un jour je pourrai lui montrer que je pensais à elle...
    Peu à peu, année après année, elle a réussi à avoir mon fils qu'à elle...
    Une situation triste et si stupide... J'en souffre tant !
    Mes autres enfants vivent comme moi cet écart... Ils ne voient pas non plus leur frère à cause d'elle.
    Je trouve navrant de priver un enfant de ses grands-parents et de ses cousins et cousines...
    Je comprends votre douleur... A l'aube de Noël, elle devient encore plus pénible.

    Gros bisous et câlins

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    1. So you know how much it hurts. I am sad for you too. It's a big problem many families experience. Sending love, my darling friend. Happy Holidays to you !!!

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  16. Ginny, you sound as if you attended the same school of etiquette as the daughter-in-law....alot of anger there!

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  17. Dear Marsha
    What a horrible and heartbreaking experience you have been going through over the years.
    "No. However, they really do not need any clothing please."
    I would ask her what she thinks the children would like (as opposed to "need") for Christmas, since you are unable to access the children, and i would ask your son for his input as well. Try to accommodate their wishes within reason.
    She is getting to the age of menopause. Perhaps the attitude is hormonal (but it doesn't excuse her long-term behaviour).
    All the best for resolution, as long as it takes...

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  18. OK, I'll ask her via text. Probably get no answer, but I'll reach out again. I'm praying. xx's

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    1. I do hope it works out well for you, Marsha. We can only try.

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  19. I would love to have someone like you as a grandmother to my children. I can't imagine a daughter-in-law being this rude and mean. When you make out your Last Will remember this behavior and leave your son and daughter-in-law out. See a good attorney and protect your assets.

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  20. Marsha, I am so sorry to read about this. IT is incredibly challenging to have a family member that doesn't like you. I would just continue to reach out and hope that at some point the kids see the light and are able to see you on their own.

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